Interested in BDSM? You are not alone as general interest in getting kinky is on the rise and thanks to our digital age and access to information there are no shortage of opportunities to educate yourself on the topic. With the right resources, you can explore the world of BDSM in a smart, safe way, this is a beginners guide to BDSM.
What Does BDSM Mean?
It’s an umbrella term for power exchange and sensation exploration that overarches other terms that cover desires, activities, interactions and relationships. BDSM stands for? BDSM is an acronym, one which is complex in meaning, alternately and simultaneously – the B and the D are for “bondage and discipline,” and the D and the S are for “Dominance and submission,” and/or “sadism and masochism.”
A Good Place To Start.
Understanding the interpersonal dynamics of BDSM a great place to start understanding all things kinky. There are Tops and bottoms, Dominants and submissives, and Sadists and masochists. In the most basic of terms;
- Tops are the doers and bottoms are the people things are done to.
- Dominants and tops have control, while submissives and bottoms relinquish it.
- Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, and masochists enjoy receiving it.
In addition to these there are switches they can be either a top or bottom, dominant or submissive. Keep in mind you can’t top and bottom at the same time as the name implies switches can be one or the other depending on the interpersonal relationship. The labels can be and are often combined to describe situational or static identities, like “dominant top” or “submissive-leaning switch.” You may instinctively know where you fall, or you may discover it has you explore and learn about the world of BDSM.
How Do I Get Involved?
Subcultures in the world of BDSM are based on fetishes and political affiliations, as well as identities like race, gender, and sexual orientation. There’s no standard BDSM guide you can follow, but rather, it’s something that you can learn more about from your own exploration, and from other people, sexual partners, or not. Many of these subculture communities are vibrant, formed around common interests and they are a big part of what draws people to BDSM.
Whenever you start into any new community it takes time and willingness to put yourself out there. Use digital platforms such as Fetlife and even Instagram to find local munches (Munches are casual social gatherings for kinksters to get to know each other), see if any adult shops in your area have BDSM classes and workshops, or information on BDSM-themed nights at bars.
Some Ideas For Staying Safe.
Knowledge is power. Learning about BDSM history and safety practices is just as important as trying that new scene idea you’ve fantasized about. You can do that through reading books, classes/workshops, or by building relationships with trusted mentors in your local scene.
Most importantly, it is important that you know yourself. Take time to think hard about what you’re interested in, what are your no’s and boundaries. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you are in it is important to know your boundaries and to hold and communicate them as an important way to keep yourself safe.
Some practices that can help you and your partner(s) to establish your boundaries in the realm of BDSM, it’s the importance of informed consent. It means that everyone involved actively consents to the activities, which are deemed to be safe. Some practitioners of BDSM practice a kind of consent known as safe, sane, and consensual (SSC). It means that everyone involved actively consents to the activities, which are deemed to be safe. Other practitioners prefer a standard called RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), which some consider more “realistic” than SSC because it acknowledges that some BDSM activities may be dangerous, although all parties involved are aware of their risks.
One safety strategy you may have heard even in popular media is the use of safe words. Safe words are a way of letting a partners know that they need to stop or pause. Safe words are discussed and agreed to before any activities are undertaken.
Another way to communicate your needs and can be used in addition to using a safe word, is by using the traffic light system. Simply say the name of the colour of traffic light that best communicates your wants and needs;
- “Red” means stop—so it can double as a safe word.
- “Yellow” means slow it down. It can be used when you don’t necessarily want your partner to fully stop, but you could use a breather—or you feel like you’re reaching your limit, especially when physical pain is a consideration.
- “Green”—just as you’d expect—is an enthusiastic “go.”
How To Respond To “No”.
Trust and respect are important in any relationship especially a sexual one and a way to clearly demonstrate that is to respect what your partner tells you. At any time and in any type of relationship a partner tells you “stop” or “no”—you need to respect them. In an intimate situation including BDSM it can be very hard for a person to say “no” in the moment so if they do it is important that their need is respected. Showing immediate acceptance and gratitude for your partner’s honesty not only the right thing to do (also a big part of consent), it will help to strengthen the trust between you. We are all vulnerable in moments of intimacy and every individual has the right to withdraw consent at any time, with no explanation necessary. Remember that “No” is a full sentence.
Aftercare Is Important.
BDSM can get very intense, which is why aftercare is non-negotiable for everyone involved. Aftercare is the practice of setting aside some time to take care of one another, depending on each person’s needs. Aftercare can look different for everyone, it might involve cuddling, taking a shower, applying ice packs after particularly rigorous activity, or food or drink to replenish stores. Aftercare is for intimate relationship because taking some time to cool down and connect after sex can be great for intimacy.
Last Things.
The practice of BDSM is a unique to individuals and can look different from the way another person practices it. The reality is that not everyone wears head-to-toe leather and chains, not everyone has a riding crop in their closet, or cuffs in their bedside table. For some people BDSM, for some people isn’t even about sex, rather about the power play of dominance and submission in whatever form works for them.
There’s no one way to define BDSM, but it is a practice that many people find sexually fulfilling and freeing. And with the right research, much communication and consent, and community-building, many find a space where they feel free to explore self, sexuality, kinks and intimacy.
