Q: “I am new to dating women, so sex with another woman is new to me, exciting but new. Do you have any advice on how to give a woman a handjob? I am not sure what I like myself so maybe I need some tips on how to find out what I like so I know what might work for another woman?”
A: Good question! A handjob can be a fantastically pleasurable experience that is often underestimated. You are right in saying exploring what you like first is a great way to have a better idea of what to do with another woman. So before I get into a technique I would like to encourage you to do some self-exploration first. You can read some other articles on masturbation in the Bliss Journal. Take the time to get to know your body and what it likes.
One thing that is important to note is that not every person that identifies as a woman does not mean they have a vulva, just as not every person that has a vulva identifies as a woman. So, for this article, I’ll be using the term people with vulvas rather than women or women.
As for technique here are a few pointers;
- Clean, well-groomed hands when you’re touching someone else's genitals more so when it is the sensitive tissue of a vulva.
- Know what you are touching, your attention is likely to focus on the following four area, outer labia, inner labia, vaginal opening, and the clitoris. Here are a few tips on getting to know your clitoris and your partners. Look down at your clitoris and imagine it is divided into four quarters of a clock face or four pieces of pie. The half of the clitoris closest to your belly button is the upper half. The quarter of that is closest to your stomach and to the left is the upper left quadrant, anecdotal evidence suggests that this is the most sensitive part of the clitoris/body.
- There is no rush, tease your partner and take your time heating things up before you even get to the vulva and surrounds. Spend at least 5 - 10 minutes touching the rest of your partner's body and getting them turned on. It is better to touch the clitoris once your partner is very aroused.
- Communicate with your partner, ask for feedback, encourage them to talk and guide you.
- Lubricant increases pleasure so don’t be shy in using it. Make sure you use a quality lubricant when you do.
- Every body is different and responds differently to touch so experiment with different ways of touching. Keep it simple though, don’t try so many options that you can’t tell what they enjoy. Communication is important here. Stroking directly across your partner's clitoris in an up and down motion (67% of 2000 vulva owners in a recent study) has been found to be a highly successful way of reaching orgasm. Most people with vulvas need repetitive, consistent clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Taking into account the idea that the upper left quadrant is the most sensitive including a diagonal motion to stimulate that area is a good option to try.
- The ballpark figure is about 20mins for a person with a vulva to reach orgasm. Don’t put pressure on your partner or yourself to make things work the first time. It can take time for you to both learn how to make it happen together. One of the best things you can do for your partner is to tell them you’re going to keep touching them for as long as it feels pleasurable for them and that it is OK if they want to stop.
- A common complaint I hear is that people want their partner to make them orgasm. They just want their partner to know how to make it happen like waving a magic wand. That is not the way life works. If you want to orgasm you have to know how your body works. Just as any prospective partner needs to know theirs. This is where communication is so important when you are getting to know each other. So, encourage your partner to tell you what is working for them and what is not.
- Enjoy Yourself! Don’t overthink it and don’t get too excited about trying too many new things.
