To some people, Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sado-Masochism (BDSM) an seem quite scary. BDSM is not very well understood by the general community. With words like “sadist” that conjure up the idea of a person who likes to inflict violence on others, just because. Also, how it is portrayed in popular culture. Mainstream films, like 50 Shades of Grey which portray BDSM as unhealthy at best and abusive at worst are often the only exposure the general public has to BDSM. Yes, some people find the giving or receiving of pain pleasurable in the context of BDSM. A big thing to remember is that consent and community are integral parts of BDSM and that it requires a great deal of trust and vulnerability amongst everyone involved. That is why the myth or stereotype that people who are into BDSM are emotionally detached is wrong. It is the level of communication and consent in BDSM that many of those that participate in it find freeing and healing. Here we will be looking at some more of the common myths, misconceptions and truths about kink and BDSM.
- “BDSM is inherently abusive”
This at its core is not true, healthy BDSM hinge on consent, for this reason it cannot be abusive. By definition if there is no consent, what is happening is not BDSM, it is abuse.
By definition BDSM is a way of consensually playing with the exchange of power. It involves communication and negotiation of acceptable limits and what is not acceptable, and these are set by the person “giving up” their power. Yes, there is a fine line and coercive control is a very real factor that needs to be taken into account when exploring power exchange dynamics, but it is incorrect that all BDSM interactions include this.
- “BDSM is dressing up in leather or latex, chaining someone up in a dungeon and whipping them.”
True for some. Yes, BDSM can involve leather, and chains, and dungeons, and whips, but does this happen in every interaction? No, it does not. This is almost a caricature of BDSM with the frequency in which this imagery is used. It may this for some individuals but for others it is as multifaceted as any interpersonal relationship. Sure, what you wear can help you to get into a Dominant headspace, but, again, BDSM is so much more than that.
- “Submissives are weak”
This makes us want to scream “Not True”. A healthy BDSM dynamic is all about consensual power exchange. This means yes, the Dominant does hold the power at times, and the submissive will hold the power at others. The unshakable truth is that the limits of any BDSM play are defined by the submissive/ bottom. This is again where the communication, negotiation and consent come into the equation. Within a healthy BDSM interaction or dynamic, Dominants do not “use” their submissive outside of what has been agreed, even if an outsider hasn’t seen the negotiation that has gone on previously. Submissives are far from weak and for many the role gives them a space to communicate their wants, needs and limits and gives them a voice they may not been confident in previously.
- “BDSM is all about sex”
Again, not true. Yes, there is usually a sexual element to BDSM, but for some sexual acts don’t always factor into it. The idea that people who practice BDSM are sex-addicted, or have lots of relationships or partners is a myth. There are many ways to practice BDSM without involving sex at all. “Discipline” and D/s parts are often unrelated to sex. Discipline is often something that is woven into a dynamic in a number of ways, ways that can be powerfully positive for an individual and a couple, it can be as much about service as it is about anything relating to sexual submission. Many people who are in D/s dynamics are monogamous. Yes, like any other relationship these D/s monogamous relationships can be short-term, long-term, casual and may or may not involve marriage. As a not this community is often a little more open-minded about what relationships look like but even ethical nonmonogamy is not a debaucherous affair for the sex addicted.
- “Practising BDSM has to involve pain”
Again, not true for all interactions. It is only the Sadism &Masochism part of BDSM that involves pain, so if pain has not been communicated, negotiated and consented to prior to the play, practicing BDSM does not always involve pain. This myth feeds into the caricature again where the black leather, whipping and spanking is the only part that is really ever really depicted in anything remotely mainstream. This is a pity because it is the parts that you don’t see that distinguish it from abuse.
The truth about BDSM?
BDSM, in practice, looks different depending on who is doing it, and on which day you are talking to them, much like any relationship you know. Important factors are;
It always includes consent. Consent is required. Consent cannot be gained through coercion and relies on both parties being in a frame of mind that allows them to be fully able to decide what they want.
Different acronyms used in BDSM and they all include consent:
- SSC – safe, sane and consensual
- RACK – risk aware, consensual kink
- PRICK – personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink
BDSM can involve some practises that are inherently considered not to be “safe” (eg anything that involves inflicting pain. Over time as language around mental health has become more aware words like “sane” do not encapsulate the complexities of an appropriate headspace for communicating, negotiating or the giving of consent. For these reasons, the SSC acronym, is starting to be used less and RACK/ PRICK used more. Regardless enthusiastic consent is at the centre when deciding whether a BDSM dynamic is healthy or not.
Trust is the foundation of consent and an important part of any relationship dynamic including BDSM. How trust is included in relationships is an individual behaviour, for some trust takes time, some air on the side of caution, for others it is given until it is broken.The bondage and S&M parts of BDSM are not something that should be taken lightly. There are some very real safety issues involved in anything that involves restraining someone or inflicting pain on another person. Trust in each other is important, trust that they understand your needs, wants and most importantly your limits and that they will stop if you ask them to.
Communication is key in any relationship including BDSM. Unlike 50 shades, BDSM relationships are all about negotiation and communication, a lot of it. Communication happens when you discuss the things you like and don’t like and aren’t sure if you like; it happens verbally and nonverbally; it happens during play or a “scene”; and it happens afterwards. It is a constant in BDSM.
The limits of play are defined by the submissive, not the Dominant. This was mentioned before but it is one point that bears repeating over and over again. BDSM is a consensual power exchange but the power in a healthy BDSM dynamic is ultimately held by the submissive/ the bottom. It is the boundaries and limits of the submissive that dictate what can and can’t happen, and it is up to the Dominant/ the top to respect this.
Limits can be anything:
- Words/ names the top is not allowed to use when addressing the bottom, including humiliation or body shaming.
- Hair-pulling or other activities such as tickling or inflicting pain on ceratin areas of the body.
- Anal play/ anal play without prior warning or more rare activities such as no water sports, scat play or blood play.
Limits are even more important in scenes where it may seem that the Dominant is ignoring a sub’s boundaries eg consensual non-consent play, which often involves a submissive being overpowered despite saying, “No” in the scene. This kind of scene takes alot of communication and negotiation beforehand, and agreement on safe words (A safe word is a simple word or phrase that requires very little thought process to utter as a sign of distress or caution )and safe actions (Some BDSM play involves activities where the submissive is unable to speak in this case a backup signal of a safe action or safe object to slow or stop the play is necessary).
In healthy BDSM dynamic, consent is imperative and always in place.
